Hotel Hold-Up
by Capt.Moonlite
Summary: Raido is stuck in a hold-up with a Genma who's drunk too much orange juice, an Asuma who could kill for a smoke, some thugs who are quickly losing patience and isn't there one more person he's forgetting? Come on, what could go wrong?


**1) Language warning**

**2) There are mentions of a GenRai type thing, but no hanky-panky (I ****love to hate that word so much)**

**3) I got the idea for this after I began re-reading Markus Zusak's 'The Messenger' for about the ten-billionth time and I started thinking about how Raido would handle being stuck in that sort of situation with someone like Genma and co. ...hilarity ensued... possibly**

**4) No, I don't own any of the characters, &c. they are ****Masashi Kishimoto's.**

**5) If you feel like it, constructive criticism is very welcome! **

Okay. That's all, now go forth!

* * *

It's too hot.

I'm too tired.

My foot is dead.

If Genma does what I think he's about to do he'll be dead too.

'Hey, Raido, look, I really need to pee right now so could we- mmmmphughl!'

'Shut up!' I hiss, because even with my hand covering his mouth he still needs explicit directions otherwise he'd just continue to run off his mouth and blow our cover. A large bloke with a sword twice his size whips around our way, but we're already back to our original positions. It's like a game of Ultimate-Death-Match Statues.

The large robber turns back around after a long look in our general direction. Honestly we couldn't be in a worse position. Not only are we nearly in the centre of the room, but Genma is pretty much lying on top of my foot, making it go dead, and getting antsy because he finished drinking about five litres of orange juice not three minutes before these criminals stormed the hotel and ordered everyone on the ground.

Across the foyer I can see Asuma, our team leader for this mission, crammed between this grossly overweight tourist and a very lush looking chaise lounge. It's obvious even from this distance that he's dying for a smoke. Luckily, unlike Genma, he's got enough brains to know we can't risk blowing our cover.

A grunt of pain slips out of the obese man as Asuma's elbow suddenly disappears into the man's side. Well, we can only hope he'll hold out.

'Psst! Raido!" No. "Psst! Raido! Listen!'

'Shut up, Genma!'

'But, I really have to go! Anyway these guys are really harmless. Look at them!' Despite his volume beginning to rise, I must admit Genma has a point. These guys are obviously low class, C-rank at best, but still, we were ordered not to expose our cover for anything. Plus, I refuse to blow it over Genma.

'Just can it, Genma. I'm not ruining this mission just because of your useless bladder!'

'Oi! Who's talkin'?!' The large sword-toting thug spins back around our way. His partner pauses as he has the poor receptionist by her collar.

'You see? So very fucking useless…' Genma murmurs, shaking his head slightly, lacking any regard for the potential danger that could be headed our way.

'Genma!' I jerk my elbow down catching him on the top of his head as the sword bearing thug glares menacingly at some couple about four metres to our right.

'Ow. Screw you, Raido that really fucking hurt!'

'I'll give you so much worse if you don't stop talking!'

'…' Genma leered up at me. Oh Jesus. 'You know what? You really turn me on when you're angry like this.'

'Wha-? Fuck, Genma this is not the time for games!' I feel Genma shifting around on my leg, fidgeting, muttering about needing to 'piss like anything'. Please, oh please let this end quickly! I don't know how much longer I can take this!

'I SAID SHUT THE HELL UP!' The large guy swings around again, nearly glaring directly at us. 'WHO THE FUCK IS IT THAT WON'T SHUT UP?!' You can tell from the way he's losing his cool that the nerves are getting to him.

I can feel Genma tense next to me. Please don't do anything stupid, please-

'I really think we can take him, just the two of us, Raido. Really. Then I'm going to piss on him. Piss like an entire fucking river…'

Jesus, what would it take to shut him up? No, don't go there, I can only imagine too well…

'When we get out of here I'm cutting your friggin' dick off, you hear me Genma?!'

'THAT'S IT, WHO'S TALKIN'?! I'M GONNA FUCKIN' SKIN YOU ALIVE!'

There is a pause. The air in the foyer becomes seemingly thick with tension. Everything freezes for the smallest millisecond before an unnaturally high and childlike voice breaks the heavy silence.

'It was Raido talking _all along_, Mr. Robber-sama!'

Genma!

'That was for cutting off my dick. Jackass!' Genma breathes out with an almost tangible aura of triumph.

'Well, which one of you fuckers is Raido? Huh?'

Not one metre away I can see the tip of a very long, very sharp sword point in our direction.

'I said, WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS IS RAIDO?'

I feel the lady to my left quiver. I can also feel Genma, on my foot, quivering. Except, from the way he's hiding his face I know it's due to laughter. I can only hope the man with the sword believes otherwise. Or maybe it would be better if he just killed him now…

You know what? I've put up with a _lot_ of shit in my life, yeah? A lot. (Mainly from Genma) So much that I'm sick of it. So, you know what? I don't even care anymore. Screw Genma. Screw the useless fucking robbers. Screw the whole fucking hotel.

'Uh, Mr. Robber? That's Raido just there.'

Genma looks up.

Asuma looks over.

The swordsman looks down.

Genma looks back at me, 'Aren't you Raido?'

'No, you're Raido.' I respond, deadpan.

'But I'm pretty sure you're Raido.'

That's when the he gets sick of our game, 'I don't CARE who the FUCK Raido IS! So I'll just KILL-'

'Um, sorry, but, Mr. Nin, sir?' The robber swings his sword around, probably faster than he'll ever manage to again.

He spits out, 'WHAT. THE. FUCK. DO. YOU. WANT?' now thoroughly sick of babysitting while his partner is off extorting the cash.

'Well you see, the thing is… I'm Raido!'

I groan.

Genma cackles out a laugh.

Asuma gives us a smug thumbs up as the swordsman swings back around to us.

'What are you talking about?' Genma yells back, jovially, 'I'm Raido!'

'And yet only a minute ago you were denying it,' I remark.

'But this is more fun isn't it, Raido?'

I bang my head on the floor.

Asuma cheers an affirmative, 'It certainly is, Raido!'

The swordsman begins to literally vibrate with rage.

Personally, I can't blame him.

Out of the corner of my eye I notice something; past the large shaking, sword wielding nin; past the scatterings of terrified holiday goers; past even the growling partner who's now shaking his knife at the unfortunate bell boy as he crams his bag with booty; past all that to the elevator. The elevator slowly counting down from fifteen…

Something nags at my mind.

I can hear the partner growl at the employees, '-AN' I wan' you to CO-operate-'

I look back at the lift.

The numbers rapidly decline.

7

6

5

And I remember.

3

2

'Fuck!'

The doors open with a cheerful '_Ping!_'

'RAAIIIDOOOOO!'

Genma perks up. Asuma finally lights up a cigarette. The swordsman once more has to spin to keep up. The world freezes except for the oblivious Jonin who flounces out of the lift, looking the very definition of irritated.

Genma, of course, is the first to break the tension, 'Hey there, Anko!'

'What's going on?' Anko pauses, taking in everything around her. Everyone is frozen in place, even the partner as he ties his sack of booty shut. The only exceptions are Asuma, who now appears to feel comfortable enough to rearrange himself on the lounge, and Genma, who has not stopped fidgeting and continually pokes me in the side as he wriggles around.

'I give up.'

Genma stops wriggling and looks at me, 'Really?'

'Fuck it all to hell, the hold up's ruined now anyway, isn't it?'

With more energy than warranted, Genma springs up, 'YES!'

'OI! What the fuck do you little FUCKERS think you're doin'?!' The thug can see he's losing control of the situation, sweat begins to break across his forehead.

His partner on the other hand his whips out his own massive-ass sword and begins to edge towards his partner, and us.

Anko trots over to Asuma, who is still slouched on the lounge enjoying his cigarette. They have a brief greeting and she plops down next to him.

Genma bounces around on the spot for a few seconds before stopping suddenly, spinning around to me and bursting out with a, 'WAITTILI'VEGONEPISSEDOK?' before running off towards the nearest toilets. Popping his head back out the door 'I mean it!'

The partner holding the sack of cash growls, 'I see you bastards have a death wish!'

From his position on the lounge, Asuma chimes in, 'Oh come on! If you were actually going to kill someone, you'd have done it long before this!'

'So it _is_ a hold up!' Anko claps, looking like she's enjoying this far too much.

The holidaymakers and employees on the ground start to shuffle around, carefully edging away from the danger zone surrounding the robbers and us.

'Anyway,' Continues Asuma, pausing as he takes a long drag on his cigarette before expelling the smoke, 'You're so fucking useless you didn't even think to disable the lifts!'

That appears to be the last straw for the long suffering babysitter. I must commend him for putting up with a bunch of shitheads like us for that long, but it seems he's finally reached the limit of his sanity. So, he snaps.

And I, unfortunately, am closest.

The larger crim. takes a massive swing at me. I manage to dodge it, but there are civilians here and not enough room to move comfortably.

Twisting to try and get into a better position, I notice there's a kid in my path. I miss him but end up falling on the sword wielding guy, eliciting a grunt from him.

Of course, like always, Genma has an innate ability to return at exactly the worst possible moment.

Asuma and Anko have already taken down the one with the stolen money. I can hear her teasing him, while Asuma tries to stop her, 'You're scarring the children! You're scarring the CHILDREN!' and here I am, being 'propped up' by a massive-ass sword toting thug.

Of course Genma does not take into account the fist poised to smash into my face, nor does he notice the kunai I'm about to stab into the guy's side in reply.

Of course not.

Not Genma.

What Genma does see is pretty fucking obvious as he spits out his senbon, which actually disappears into the plaster as it hits the wall.

'Get. Your. Fucking. Hands. Off. My. Raido. YOU FUCKING PERVERT!'

Pot.

Kettle.

Black.

'Typical…' I stab the kunai into the huge guy's side and he drops me, clutching at his side. It only takes one good uppercut to KO him.

That's not enough for Genma though, who's now determined to kick the guy to death as we tie him up and move people to safety.

We leave long before the authorities arrived.

Probably won't be able to return to the town for a few months.

Tsunade's going to be pissed to high hell.

XXXXXXXXXXX

'Genma! Let the fuck go!' Genma wraps his arms around me even tighter.

'NOOOOOOO!'

'Tusnade's ready to see you now.' A young ninja looks warily at the perverted Genma and at Anko who's drooling in her sleep as she mumbles something about 'It's okay, I promise it's supposed to bleed that much!'

Asuma blows some cigarette smoke into her face before covering her mouth and nose until she wakes up gasping for air.

I shove Genma off me for the fifth time this evening. I'm not letting him do anything perverted in front of the Hokage.

Not again, anyway.

We get up and file into her office. None of them look half repentant enough. I actually doubt Genma even remembers what our mission was.

Seeing me gaze at him, Genma leans over, leering and whispers into my ear 'We are having sooo much sex tonight!'

_Where did my life go wrong?_


End file.
